Lonely

Ever wondered how you can be right next to someone but still be so unbearably lonely?  I'm sure I can't be the only one. 
I spend all day with kids whom I love and adore.  They are perfect.  But they are children and can't give you that adult conversation I crave. 
I have a husband that comes home every night but hardly has a word to say to me.  He is tired of course.  We are busy with the house and kids of course.  We take each other for granted of course.  
I have people that are friends because we are in the same domestic boat.  We are parents.  Our kids are similar ages.  We make the effort to be friends during the week.  We don't really know each other.  Not enough to dislike each other anyway.  Or honestly to like each other.
So there it is.  I am lonely.  I am in a house full of people. I have a busy life with a day that stops only when I sleep and I am the loneliest I have ever been in my life.
:(

To Do....

I've been thinking that I neglect this little thought purging blog of mine.  So here is a to do list of some of the things I mean to blog about.  Maybe I'll get round to it.  If I want to.

• Re-visiting some of my goals,
• Weight issues,
• My business,
• Losing my baby,
• Democratic and home schooling,
• Babies,
• Five year and ten year goals,
• A little more feeling grateful and sharing stuff with the baby gals.

That's it for now.  Definitely in order of importance.

Oh and by the way, my beloved kanuka tree stabbed me in the butt cheek.  I sat in the sun, underneath lady Kanuka and OUCH!  A sharp little leaf pierced my flesh.  A little reminder perhaps?

I can now be assured that Lady Kanuka is definitely a kanuka and not a manuka.  The leaf the stabbed me is the proof.  Check out some kiwi bush facts here.

Haere rā

In my last post I said good-bye to my dear, dear friend.  Over the last couple of years I have learnt that I need to cry.  I need to not keep everything inside and become a cauldron of bitterness, a hoarder of hurt, a person consumed by anger.  So now I cry when I need to.  It's hard to fight the urge to hold it in.  My instinct is to joke or to distract myself.  I tend to disguise sadness with anger.  I am learning to feel my emotions and to be with them a while.  I am a better person for this.  Well I think so anyway.

I was unable to fly up to my friend's final farewell so I decided I would have my own little good-bye for her.  My daughters and I picked up some helium balloons in bright colours (four for my pal, one to keep for my nearly three year old).  We then headed to the beach and sent them off to the angels in heaven.  I've decided that angels in heaven is how I am explaining death to my children.  I cried lots and then I felt better.  I know my dear friend would have loved this.  And somehow I have a feeling that the idea was her's all along. 

A perfect morning to say "good bye"

Good-Bye

Thirty years and about six months ago I came into this world.  Six days after that my mum's good friend came made her appearance.  My mum and her friend and our dads spent many late nights in the weekend together.  Listening to records and drinking too much.  Dancing and laughing.  We kiddies would play in the bedroom with dolls, up the road at the park or sneak into the lounge to sneak a bit of late night telly (wrestling or Married with Children, back in the days when television finished up at night and everyone went to bed).  Mum and I, and then Mum and I and my little sister too would visit often for coffee and play dates.  During the week we'd often go out 'visiting' as a family, all four of us (Mum, Dad, me and sis).  This family was the most often visited for years.  We'd camp with this family.  I guess there wasn't much we didn't do with them.  We were close enough to fight.  To sulk.  To share secrets with.  To throw tantrums at. 

When I was ten my family moved far away.  It was at least one plane ride away.  Or a car/bus/train trip then a ferry and then back in a car.  That is quite a distance and money always makes these things more impossible.  We kept in touch.  My family visited a couple of times.  Their family once.  When I was a teen I moved closer (just an over night bus ride away).  I visited every couple of months for a couple of years.  I never asked if I could stay.  I just turned up and stayed as long as I wanted.  I was fed.  I had a mum to spill my guts to.  I was loved. 

Today I found out that the mum in this family is dying.  She has battled cancer for a long time.  She has fought hard.  She has been brave and courageous as only a mum and nana can.  Now she is losing the battle.  She cannot talk and I cannot be there to say good bye.  I have sent many messages to her in the last year sharing my positive thoughts and cheering her on through her battle. Today I have cried like a baby for a dear friend and for all the big parts of my childhood she has been a part of.   My thoughts are with her and her pained family.  She has been a mother in so many ways to so many people.  An amazing women with an amazing tale to tell.  She has loved and been loved.  She had been caring and funny.  Shy yet popular.  Practical and hopeful.  I hope her final journey is safe and her landing place in the next world is soft.  I will miss her and for the rest of my life be thankful for the time and I have shared with this women and the little bits of her that have influenced my life.  I wish her peace. 

Safe journey my friend x

Sunset, Piha, Auckland NZ

Boredom

Right now, at this current moment, I am bored. The children are asleep.  My husband is in bed resting his mind and body from a busy week at work.  The washing is folded and the dishes are done.  Crackers have been eaten.  American Idol has been watched.  The net has been surfed.

How lucky I am for the luxury of boredom. But you know what?...I don't like it!  Being bored is lonesome.  So I am going to go to bed and partake in one of my major weaknesses, telly in the bedroom (evil).  I will wait until my precious one year old wakes and I will snuggle her in between hubby and I.  I will wait until morning when Miss Nearly-Three wakes and comes in for snuggles with her blanky (or maybe beforehand if there are any bedtime accidents).  We will then sneak out to the lounge for cuddles and breakfast.  When hubby wakes we have planned to enjoy a yummy plunger coffee together (another weakness) and we will plan a day of busy-ness.  I will not rest all day.  But I will also not be bored or lonely.  I will be thankful.

This week I am thankful for the safety we have been blessed with every moment until this one.  Terrible things have rocked our world and destroyed many lives.  Unimaginable hurt and terror has changed many people forever.  Some have left this earth and many families have heavy, empty, lonely hearts.  I am so grateful for those that have survived and for the amazing ability the human heart has for recovery and compassion.  I hope that healing comes quick for those suffering from the earthquake in Christchurch.

The wisdom I'd like to share with my girls is to be prepared. I was going to say that you should always thank your lucky stars for what you have because you never know when it (or they) will be gone.  But how about I be practical this post.  Getting sorted is important.  You can't be prepared for everything but an emergency kit will surely come in handy.  Ok, sensible mum over, here's sentimental mum back.  My next bit of advice is that giving and helping feels good.  Try it :)